Jokes Jokes Jokes

There was this fellow who had a pet goose. He loved his goose and took it everywhere with him. One day he went to the movies and the ticket seller told him that his goose was not allowed in the theater. He ran around the corner and stuffed the goose in his pants. Then he bought his ticket and went into the theater. He selected a seat next to two elderly ladies.

During the movie he could hear his goose panting due to lack of air. He unzipped his pants to let the goose breathe. Soon the lady next to him elbowed her friend and whispered, "Esther, Esther you won't believe what's going on next to me." Esther glances over and says, "Well, you've seen one you've seen them all."

"Well, maybe, but this one's eating my popcorn!"

I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm. I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills -
she had 14 kids, but she didn't give a shit.

My doctor said "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch"

I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? This is my idea of a perfect day.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like a telephone...on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here with weirdoes.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and holds his hand up to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender..."I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room.

The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread- eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns to him and says: "No, I'm ok... I'm just waiting for a fax."

Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers returned from the Falkland Islands without being decorated. The captain called them into his office to explain. "Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he said. "So the regiment has decided to give you ten pounds sterling for each inch of measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private, which measurement for you?"

"Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!" "That's 720 pounds. Well done, private. Corporal?"

"Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms outstretched, sah." The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches...740 pounds. Very good, corporal. Sergeant, how about you?"

"Tip of me prick to me balls, sah." "Very well. Drop your trousers then." The captain put his tape measure at the tip of the man's penis, then looked up and asked, "Where are your balls, sergeant?"

"Goose Green, Falklands, sah!"

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then an red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am an Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish.' "

And I said, "NO SHIT"

At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three very naked and very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked. "Well, yes" said the gentleman. "We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?"

"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch...."